Choosing to Love Myself
I had no idea I wasn't loving myself until it hit me. I thought I was loving myself and exuding love, but I was not. Here I was spitting out ways to love yourself and ways to be kind, but I wasn't actually doing them.
Before I talk about going to the gym, please cool your judgy jets and be happy for me that I am taking care of my health. We don't have to shame people for exercising and being happy for it. I don't shame people who don't exercise, don't shame me. Thanks.
Okay, back to the post. I saw a therapist because I was so angry and I didn't know how to fix it. My back hurt a lot and then I found out that's where anger lays in your body. I was also feeling sadness in my lower abdomen (I believe it). With a therapist, I got to close my eyes and express what was causing anger and what was causing sadness. I left feeling better, just like I had left the anger and sadness in the room and that I knew I would be able to move past this. I am very fortunate to have a work plan that has access to a therapist for eight sessions.
When I acknowledged the anger, I started to heal. My body has been ready for me to heal, I just kept telling myself I was fine. I am really good at pretending to be fine, but I wasn't doing the work, I wasn't coming to terms with my anger and sadness. I had people telling me I needed to acknowledge the feelings, but I didn't want to be vulnerable.
I love not being vulnerable and I love hiding behind a mask. Throughout these sessions, I mentioned I was going to the gym as a "things I am happy about" and my therapist said "that is one of the most highest acts of self love" and it took be back for a second because I finally understood why everyone was so into the gym. I hated going to the gym.
Then I realized, it wasn't going to the gym itself, it was that I was not allowing myself to be loved, to be happy. Going to the gym was hard because I didn't want myself to have the love I deserved. I was holding on to negative energy that was not serving me. Energy that made me angry and sad. Boom.
What does one do when they are angry and sad? We hold on to it. The little voice in our head says to hold on to it because she makes us believe we won't have love, like we aren't deserving. Except we are deserving of love! We are deserving of loving ourselves and we are allowed to have happiness. This was my anxiety speaking, she likes to ruin things. I can't say this element of my life is fixed, but I am going to the gym which was huge. I am a lot more self aware about my energy and where it's going.
I talk about going to the gym because that was the block for me. I had a voice in my head that basically told me I wouldn't be loved, I shouldn't try. I believed her and it made me mad. I knew deep down I was worthy and I just needed to go. So I signed up for classes because I couldn't do this by myself with the mean lady in my head. I started going and I started noticing that I wanted to go again and pretty soon, I was in a routine that my body was responding to positively.
I did the work, I am doing the work. I know I am allowed to be loved. I've always known it. It's just actioning it that takes time and why I am not actioning it. It's not radiating energy that will stand in my way, it's being self aware of the energy that goes into the world and what comes back to me. It's choosing love and sticking with it.
Thanks for reading, Samantha