Adventures of a Twentysomething: Friendships
Disclaimer: This is a positive view on moving on in times of transition with friends and giving a perspective of "this isn't the end of the world, and you are loved". I am not here to throw shade, I don't need that kind of negativity, but it is important to have a safe space to share feelings without fear of reprisal. Thanks for remembering that.
There is this weird shift that happens when you turn twenty. You're at a weird point when university is becoming important, you want to manage a social life, whilst also finding time for parents and a job. Or maybe you aren't in university, but everyone you know is. It's lonely. It's a transition from this "I'm not a freshman anymore" to "what am I going to do after university".... it's unknown and everyone around you is also shifting. Before you know it, you're not invited to hang out and the only thing you can ask yourself is "what did I do wrong?"
Let me start off by saying it really sucks when you don't get invited to something. It really sucks when your friends don't include you. It really sucks when people forget about you. I learnt at a young age that people can really suck at times. I also learnt that it feels so good to live from love and let go of those who have hurt you. I remember all the hurtful things and I've grown past it, but I know there is someone out there who is dealing with this for the first time and it's unimaginable how much agony they are feeling. You are not alone. You are loved. Remember you are so amazing.
I'm going to give you a hard truth here: friendships run their course. It hurts. Sometimes though its better for you at the end of the day. I think what other people don't realize is how they make you feel. So let me break it down for all of the people who forget they have all sorts of friends: You make us feel like crap and it makes us feel sad. I know when a friend cancels on me, I get really sad. Why do I get sad? Friendship means something to me. It means sisterhood and I want to radiate all my love to my friends, so when someone doesn't value it the way I value it, I get sad.
Now I know, people have other friends and other lives and I am not the centre of the world (I wish I was), but when you go from hanging out every weekend to almost never, my heart is going to hurt. So that's why I learnt to deal with transitioning people and I want to share with you what I have learnt. It's so important to talk about.
1) Don't depend on people (all the time)
You're a strong confident person, someone doesn't want to invite you to something? You have to be your own best friend all the time, you can't depend on people. Plus, if someone isn't inviting you, it's super discouraging and wouldn't leave me wanting to be there.
2) Include people
You know how much it sucks when someone is being selfish and doesn't invite you, so why not be kind and invite someone who may not have that full "I love myself by myself" confidence yet. Brining in new people who are positive and vibrating at the same frequency as you is so beautiful. Run with those people. Even if they say no to your invite, they now know you are thinking of them and who knows, maybe next time they will come.
3) Radiate all your love to your friends.
Those who don't radiate the love back? Those aren't your people. It's okay to let those people go, even if it's hard.
4) Remind friends that time with them is important to you
Some friends have a hard time keeping plans. You love them, but they are incredibly hard to nail down. I love friends like this, you have someone in your life that stays close, but not all the time. Keep the plans, make sure they know how important those plans are to you and if they cancel, make sure you reschedule. You love them and as long as the relationship stays positive, it's good.
5) Own loving your friends
I am the mom of the group and I've seen it time and time again when friends pull away for not loving my mom-ish ways. Here's the thing though, I love my friends with all my heart and I care about them. If you forget your hat and I offer one of mine it's because I don't want your head to get cold... and when a gross guy is hitting on you at the bar, I'm there to check if you're okay. I'm not apologizing for making sure you are okay because caring is a form of love, which is important to any relationship.
6) Time alone is healthy
I love spending time with friends, but not all the time. I was the kid during the summer who wouldn't invite friends over because it was fun to just do my thing over the summer break. Alone time is great! Go to the gym, start a new hobby, take a nap. Learn to be yourself without always being around people.
7) Squad goals is stupid
You don't need a squad to be happy. I love Taylor and having a lot of friends is great, but you don't need a lot of friends to be a full person.
8) Let yourself mourn a friendship
Friends move on. It's sad, but when there is a shift, it's important to let yourself be sad.
9) Try new things
If you feel like your friendship-o-meter is running low, try something new, say hi to a new person, go outside your realm of comfort and you may make a new friend.
10) Don't hate on anyone
I never wish anything bad for anyone who has left my life, wishing bad things for people creates a lot of heart hurt. Just let go of them and live your life filled with love and radiate it. Also, if you ever get any blast from the past and it doesn't seem the most positive, don't give into it, ignore it because the negativity is something you've moved past.
Friendships are complicated and when they shift, it hurts, but hopefully you know that you are not alone and shifting for yourself is good. Being your own person first is good and people will see that.
Thanks for reading,