Am I too Independent?
I'm 24, dating is not my first priority. It's also not my second priority, it's more like priority number whatever. Honestly, sometimes I think "It would be nice to have someone special to share this moment with", but that rarely happens. I also like talking about my dating life, but that distracts people from my capabilities, so I can't really share as much as I want. I mostly just joke about it because it's funny, I find humour in my actions and other peoples actions. I've blogged about heartbreak and I've blogged about being single, I've even blogged about my adventures in a dating world. I kind of miss blogging about my life though, my real accounts. How I feel.
Dating isn't fun. I just want to be myself on dates and I find when I go on dates, I am bored out of my mind. Like, don't try and tell me how I feel about a situation in my life and please don't assume that I will like the sweetest drink on the menu (yuck). Okay, okay, love a first sight isn't a thing, maybe I won't like the guy right away, but I know what I want and I can generally determine that on my own.
Which leads to my question: am I too independent? No, I am not.
I see these girls... women who think they will only be happy in a relationship, or that they so desperately want a boyfriend. I am a firm believer that if I am not 100% happy with myself, I won't be happy in a relationship. It also breaks my heart when I see women who think they aren't lovable if a guy isn't into them, heck, I was one of those girls at one point. Drama. It's a life filled with drama. Constant up and downs of emotions that I truly do not want. My mind is a temple and the emotional roller coster of self doubt in a relationship is toxic to my brain.
I live on my own schedule, I don't wait for someone to call me (or text me), I am selective. I know that my self worth doesn't depend on my relationship status. Being single isn't awful, being single actually rocks.
So why am I so selective? It's simple, I don't want to date just anyone. I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste their time. Which, makes me happy. Ever go to a bar and have a guy just grab you and start dancing with you? That's bad attention, that's the attention you don't want to attract in your life. It's super negative attention. Let me tell you why. It's good for about two minutes of the song, it's good for a split second, it releases serotonin and your brain get's happy "Someone is dancing with me". Then it goes away, but it felt so good, so you want more. Before you know it, you're six months into a relationship that gives you nothing.
I'm not agains't relationships. I am into good attention, the kind that creates the serotonin, but doesn't leave me feeling empty, the kind that leaves me wanting more, but makes my mind feel the good attention. I've just purposefully cut out the bad attention. The bad attention where my mind isn't utilized, where my body is judged, and where I am not treated with respect, no, I can't live like that. No one should be living like that.
Good attention, where my mind and body is respected, not easy to find. So many times where I meet someone and I go, you seem nice, but... I get a sense that eventually you won't respect me in a few dates. Clouded by masculinity, clouded by "I'm a feminist, but not really" , clouded by "that's not fair" mentality... red flag. I can only walk away from that. I can't give into that. I can't lower myself to fit what someone else wants no matter how great they seem.
So I am independent because I know my self worth. I know how valuable I am and how incredible that is. I will make someone so happy one day, but more importantly, how happy they will make me. I can't accept a dandelion as a flower when I know there's roses out there. Bad attention can't be where I land, it can't be how I start a life with someone. It will only end in drama. It's not worth it. I don't see value in dating someone who doesn't make me my best. I don't see the value in causing a toxic build-up in my brain. I rather not get on the emotional roller coaster to attempt to try and find "true love" six times. Is that intimidating? Yes. It should be intimidating. It's going out of your comfort zone and finding something real, finding something that makes you better.
My brain is a temple, the toxic bad attention just isn't for me.
Thanks for reading,
Samantha
ause I have my shit together and I am pretty".