My Weight Story
The other day, I was asked how I lost all this weight. Which got me thinking about my weight and then I saw the Special K commercial and I thought that for the first time, I didn't feel bad about my body. Which made me want to write about it because it's important to share things like this. We talk about weight like this: "I hate my body, I'm so fat.","This is the largest I've ever been", "I'm really not happy with the way I look", "I need to go to the gym more", "I need to go on a diet","My stomach,thighs,arms,chin,etc is so big", "I'm not eating today", "I'm going to the gym twice a day", "I'm not eating carbs,fat,sugar,gluten,dairy,meat,etc", "I need to cut my portions", "I'm on a diet", "I'm going on a diet, better eat everything now", "I don't like showing my skin", "I rather not go outside in the summer", "I'm fat and everyone hates me". Honestly, I have a lot of people to blame for this; the patriarchy, media, disgusting standards of beauty, the snack industry, the sugar industry. Anyways, we can't blame anyone else, I've tried, no one understands, everyone is busy doing other things. But this is my blog, so either x-out or keep reading.
Got it? Great, so for a moment let me explain how I got to the point of hating my body to absolutely loving myself and realizing I had to take care of myself.
In the third grade, I was called fat for the first time. I wasn't by the way, but I had gained weight and like some kids my age, I was being bullied. So I ate my emotions and so began my chubby phase. To avoid a lot of reading, I've broken down my life in phases: 8-10: Childhood chubby phase, most kids go through, was bullied.
11-13: Weird pre-teen phase, where I hit puberty, was cute, but super awkward with braces and acne.
14-16: Average weight phase, when I was just trying to survive high school, my dance classes, and 11th grade. All areas of life where I was bullied.
17: I joined a gym, it was prom, I worked out excessively, I didn't date a very nice person, I graduated and didn't want to look back.
18: I went to university, gained my freshman 15, but everyone made eating excessively and barely working out normal.
19-21: Was super involved with extra-curricular activities. Was trying to please everyone, ate emotionally, then my dog died, ate more emotionally and wore black all the time. Also dated someone who wasn't nice. My Attitude sucked, I was officially not happy.
22-23: Had a super awesome birthday, started to realize I was going bald, found out why I had such low energy, said "enough is enough" and decided it was time to say yes to myself because one can only deal with so much of their low self confidence. On my 23rd birthday, I took charge of my health and I haven't looked back.
Yes, there were so many wonderful moments in my life, but were talking about my weight and what caused so many fluctuations and why my self confidence was so low. I am a very very very privileged person, I know that, I know I am, but I had a very low self confidence and quite frankly, I couldn't figure out why for a really long time.
Here's what I figured out: I allowed myself to be a victim. I am a very kind, very intelligent, and very beautiful person in all facets; and yet, I couldn't see it. Other people saw it, didn't like it, and let me know. Oh boy, did they ever let me know. You can only take so many "Nobody likes you" before eventually you believe it yourself. Its a sad thought, but it's true. I gained 45 pounds in university, due to emotional eating and lack of exercise. I ate my feelings, I sat in a hole of anxiety, and I allowed myself to sit there. I thought people didn't like me, so I played into it without noticing that I was doing that. I thought being told to be healthy meant I was fat and I should lose some weight. No, it just meant I should really be healthy because eventually you will start loosing your hair.
Food became how I handled my stress, anxiety, and dating life. Just kidding about the dating life, no I'm not. So because I ate all the time, playing into perfectionism, and telling myself that nobody liked me, I of course tried really hard for people to like me. I did just about everything to seem perfect. If you don't think perfectionism is a mental health problem, it is, and it is soul sucking. Then in the fall of 2014, I thought I was dating a really nice person who was moving away in the winter. I was anxiety ridden, I was eating everything, and I wasn't taking care of my mental health, but perfect me thought everything was okay. Guess what?! That guy I was dating, he never got the memo and didn't feel the same way about not seeing anyone else.
Okay, so it's New Years Eve 2015, and I've just gotten a breakdown of everything that had happened behind my back for the past 5 months. Something had to change. I couldn't live like this anymore. I mean I saw the path I was heading toward and my soul was like "no, you can't go there, you will not end up where you want to go". I didn't know what my next step was, so I took a break, and I realized "wow, you have really low energy all the time and woah, you're going bald". So I went to see my doctor, who ran a full blood test, I had a depletion of vitamin B12. This is a real medical condition, I'm not someone who get's it because I want more energy, I do, but I can't control this. We don't know why I can't absorb it, I just can't, but we caught it, and I'm so thankful we did.
I mean I was still balding, but we were trying different hair care remedies and by 2016, my hair started to grow back... I'll come to this later.
So my energy was back up, I thought that during the summer I would bike into work. I biked 8km in and out of the city to my house three times a week (almost), I also started to walk at lunch, and I began eating well. Didn't really lose any weight, but I felt better. By the New Year of 2016, I knew I had to make more of an effort with my health. I knew about the 21 Day Fix, but I didn't want to do it ever.
Nevertheless, I knew I had to make more changes. So I did. I became a Beachbody coach and all of a sudden by exercising, eating well, reading to feed my brain with positivity, and being grateful, I felt my soul come back to life. I cannot kid you, I felt happiness. It was here, I felt lifted and excited. I started to let the notion that "people don't like you" go away, by shutting up my inner mean girl. It's incredible how much your attitude changes when you stop listening to the haters and start listening the people who have always been there for you. It's incredible to let go of your victim.
I lost weight because it was never about the weight in the end. It was about loving myself. You don't love yourself, you don't get the things you want. I always thought I loved myself, but I would never be fully happy, I would allow myself to sit and mentally beat myself up, and I never truly had strong relationships.
I am on this planet once and if I can't love myself, then we have to stop and re-evaluate. Which is what I did. I fed my brain and my brain reciprocated with kindness and positivity. I don't want to plug Beachbody because it might not work for you, but it did for me and I constantly love reminding myself of how amazing it is that I am a coach. I'm also loved and I am intelligent.
Since June, I haven't eaten emotionally and I have seriously worked on my perfectionism. I have built stronger bonds with those I love and I have changed my attitude to think in a positive way. I have not once made myself into a victim and my soul is at peace with myself. It's not about food, it's not about going to the gym more. It really is about being healthy and wanting it. It may take a long time, my journey was about two years and it's still on-going. Like my yoga teacher says, you can't compare yourself to others, and you have to accept yourself. Just get ready to do some WORK because nothing will change if you don't work for it.
Thanks for reading,
Samantha